What in THE HELL was THAT?!

Part of life is the uncomfortable search for a life partner. It may not be so much of a search for some as it is for the rest of us. Not that I'm desperate and searching (like a fiend) but it'd friggin' be nice to have someone around who is funny and not-so-hard on the eyes. This shit doesn't get easier when you lose weight. It's just as stupid.

Dating (or trying to) is a RIDICULOUS task. Add to the fact that I'm nearly 40-years-old (when the hell did that happen?!) and the selection of guys really isn't getting any better with age. Not the ones I'm encountering anyway. I think I'm fairly open minded. I have my likes and dislikes, as everyone does. Some I'll never give the time of day, others I'll dip in a toe and see what's up. It usually yields well, nothing.

Now, I can usually rescue just about any conversation. Tonight? Not so much. This guy (a decent looking guy) seemed nice enough. Let me tell you, I literally spent the duration of the phone conversation planning my escape. While "listening" to the LONGEST dissertation on dog husbandry (ever), I couldn't take it any longer so to prevent me from losing my shit and laughing, I emailed a friend. He didn't even notice that I wasn't listening. It was one of those conversations that was so one sided that you could take the phone away from your face, return it to the ear and the person is STILL GOING. Thing is, he knew he was going on and on but... kept going on and on.

I called this guy back at 7:18pm. What follows are the emails I shot off to my friend (yes, I know. Very high school. Whatever.):

< begin emails >

7:37PM: "OMG. Talking to the 47-year-old. Shoot me now. Monotone tone going on and on about his dogs. Seriously, he has yet to ask me shit. We are 17:39 min into the conversation and I've not said much. We know that's not normal. AAAHHHH!!!"

7:38PM: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much detail about stupid shit. This guy is neurotic. No shock he's alone at 47. "you know, like... you know. That Cesar Milan show, you know""

7:40PM: "He's totally the guy you can't get away from when you get trapped in a convo. 20:47 in and we're still talking (well I'm "listening") about his dogs and new puppy that he's getting "you know" OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wan't to start laughing! Monotone --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------eeeeeeeeeeee-------------------------"

7:46PM: "24:15 in and he's still going on about his dog(s) in some form. He just said he needs to go get a baby gate for the new puppy. He's workin' it all out with me on the phone. I've provided minimal response and I'm not so sure he's noticed. Clearly he's thought about it A LOT. Dogs are work a lot. Puppies have small bladders, btw. Oh and you take water away from a dog about 7pm. So'z ya don't have to get up in the middle of the night. 27:46 in.

I think I might have an emergency here in a couple of minutes. Neighbor needs me. Hopefully. A fire is probably gonna happen. I might have to start a fire. I'm willing to become an arsonist to get out of this convo."

7:56PM: "He literally just mentioned that the 2 ways you can tell a dog is having issues are: runny stool and itchy skin. And yeast infections in dogs ears.

Folds of the skin of a pug, sharpei, or bulldog are prone to yeast infections. What better place to grow yeast than in the moist folds of a dog's face? Stridex pads are apparently good for keeping that clean.

36:44 in. We're on to dog dermatology.

Bag balm is a must for every bulldog owner. Apparently "you know, like."

< end emails >

What?! I should add that he started out the conversation telling me he also had a cold last week and that it was probably because he didn't bring his nasal spray up to Vail with him. Nor his vitamins. He usually sprays up his nose every morning. He has seasonal allergies, you know. He spent time in the hot tub "you know, like" just "steaming it all out..."

Shoot me now. I really tried to help the poor guy. A friendly give and take, a comparison of lives, hobbies, family stuff, siblings etc... and job history is pretty much a default first conversation. Not this time. I know MUCH more about caring for the folds on the face of an over bred brachycephalic dog (that's your basic pug, bulldog etc... now I know) than I really needed to know. Also, my dogs apparently have "long palettes" so they wouldn't have these sorts of yeast issues. Unkay. Thanks.

I lied to get off the phone. I had to. I could not blow any more of my Sunday evening on this crap. In the end, however, he gave me a gift. I can say, with great confidence, that I will never, ever have a first conversation with a guy who brings up runny stool and/or yeast infections. Btw, yeast infections thrive in moist and dark areas. Just so we're clear.