One.

My name is Catherine and I used to be fat. 

Confession: my brain kinda still thinks I am (sometimes) and I usually disapprove of pictures of the pictures taken of me. Years of self loathing can be difficult to get rid of quickly.

I have two dogs, Scout and Buck, both herding mix mutts. They made me take them on a walk tonight (rightfully so) and as per usual, I ended the walk thinking (out loud to them) about possibly going to get some Good Times ice cream as a treat for being awesome dogs.

2010'ish

I then I realized that I was creating an excuse to go get a treat for myself. Not the worst thing in the World but I hadn't planned it out and the lead up wasn't appropriate, in my mind. I hadn't earned it.

This is my life now. I have to think through just about every food decision and all the reasons behind that decision. Did I plan it? If I didn't plan for it, and schedule it out by making sure I "made room," then I feel bad.

I hate feeling disappointment.

2007'ish

I wish I could effectively articulate the often minute-by-minute fight I have with myself regarding food decisions. I think many people feel I'm way too on guard with how I operate. A bit too "mental" but I am required to be that way if I'm to maintain any type of success. The World is full of things that sabotage and if you're not tuned in, you make mistakes.

I refuse to be fat ever again; I'm never going back.

I will think to myself "will I feel bad about this decision later?" More often than not, I'll drive right by a place and allllmoooossssttttt stop. I'm proud that I usually seek out something healthier. It sucked in the beginning, though. I realize that many decisions made from a place of hunger are often turned out to be poor decisions. Add emotions to that, and boom. Screwed. 

I've done fairly well at really working through things but I didn't do it alone.

Take for example my latest minefield after a workout in the later evening: Whole Foods. How the hell can Whole Foods be a minefield, you say? Easy. Sweet potato chips. Gluten free lemon poppy seed cookie (found at the register). I am obsessed with those two things and have decided that I'm simply not allowed to do that anymore.  

It's constant, this battle. I feel better about myself than I ever have and I look better, too. But it's crazy how an eating disorder so fully takes over a life. It takes years to reverse the damage done and I've only begun to scratch the surface.